Contestants would compete in round after round of grueling auditions as viewers vote for the next pope. As the Vatican prepares to choose a new pontiff, Roman Catholics worldwide are aghast at the brazen suggestion by Fox network executives to cast aside centuries of tradition by selecting the next pope through an American Idol-style television series.
"Instead of the College of Cardinals meeting in a secrecy-shrouded conclave, contestants would be drawn from open auditions at malls, civic centers, and cathedrals around the world," said Vaughn Wagner, Fox Executive Vice President for Exploiting Religious People. "Each week, they would showcase their talents as they administer sacraments, bless things, maintain balance while waving to crowds from a careening pope-mobile, and of course, the all-important vestment competition. (Tip: It never hurts to show a little leg.)"
Not to be outdone, CBS has asked the Anglican Church to consider stranding its next batch of candidates for Archbishop of Canterbury on a desert island, to be eliminated one by one through a televised series of physical challenges, endurance of disgusting and terrifying ordeals, and resistance to sexual temptations in a no-holds-barred conglomeration of Survivor, Fear Factor, and Temptation Island. The winner will then be rewarded with marriage (because Anglicans can) to a supposed wealthy aristocrat who will turn out to be an adulterous fraud - sort of Hosea meets My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. Their handling of this final ordeal will demonstrate whether they are capable of honoring the sanctity of marriage in the spirit of the original big fat obnoxious fiance and founder of the Church of England, King Henry VIII.
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