What Would Jesus Buy?

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WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? Fabulous Prayers in the Face of the Shopocalypse by REVEREND BILLY (The companion book to What Would Jesus Buy?, the forthcoming feature-length documentary produced by Morgan Spurlock, creator of Super Size Me!)

Now children, we are all Shopping Sinners. Each of us is walking around in a swirl of gas and oil, plastics and foil. We should all hit our knees and weep and confess together. We are not evil people, but somehow we have allowed the Lords of Consumption to organize us into these mobs that buy and dispose, cry and reload. Yes, the Rapture of the Final Consumption, the Shopture, is underway.

The fundamentalist consumers are lifted way up into the air, into the Supermall of Eternal Convenience, where there are thousands of big boxes and chain stores above the clouds, and where even breathing is on credit. Stadium-sized crowds of the Saved, entire qualifying hordes, are "shoptured up" into a staggering array of discount opportunities. Those of us down here below have been left to die because we have an uneasy feeling about all the Chosen People talk coming out of Davos and Bentonville. Yes, we walked away from the BLOW-OUT CLEARANCE SALE.

As we witness more hapless consumers vortexing straight up into the Supermall of Eternal Convenience, their second America, we must grab their ankles and pull them down, screaming, from their advertopia. They will think we're Devils, of course. They may slap at us as we cling to their shoes and as the sales pass through to the sky. But be gracious. Simply say, "Hello, we are from the Church of Disturb the Customers. Your shopping is ending the world."

What if we could all hear each other, and we could town cry that WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY. A real community knows how to call out a general, spontaneous warning. In the Church of Stop Shopping, we have seen the word Shopocalypse create a true community the second we shouted it in the Armageddon of a ten-acre Wal-Mart parking lot. We've seen lumbering Teamsters and Hispanic grandmothers and goth-punk kids suddenly hold hands and shout that word in perfect unison. All together now. SHOPOCALYPSE! LET'S STOP IT!

What Should I Do If Reverend Billy Is in My Store?

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping

The Stop Shopping MONITOR (BLOG-ALLUJAH!)